lycanthropia

—wake up, feed the cat, be befuddled, check phone for texts, there are no texts, mope around on web, read articles, try to understand current literary or political controversies, fail, fail to care about any of it, feel stupid, numb, look blankly at pictures of pretty eyeshadows, try to compose email to local friends asking for help, be unable to decide whom to ask for help, no one has time, we are all in the throes of a semester, check phone for texts, read new text saying “I don’t want you to pay for it, I bought it for you because I loved you,” be destroyed by past tense, suddenly wind up getting extremely upset over someone else’s situation entirely, flee into bathroom, sit down shakily on floor, blinded by tears, huddle against bathtub and sob hysterically, loudly, without reservation, thinking every dark unhelpful thought to yourself mostly along the lines of so back to this again so now do you understand this is how it is this is how it always is you are always sobbing in the bathroom because some person has said no to you has said you are not okay not enough not right and you will be alone forever now is this what you really want it’s not too late you could go crawling over there and keep trying to be something you aren’t and oh god how could X do that to Y, how could they, why are people so completely evil and heartless and cold what is wrong with people I too must be that way we all are all of us so filled with ourselves and so small and ungenerous and unloving and why can’t it all just be over why can’t I just not wake up tomorrow will I still be like this on Tuesday do I have to cancel class how am I going to keep going he’s ten feet away and I know he’s miserable how are we going to do this it’s intolerable it is too painful I cannot bear it, hyperventilate, choke on saliva and snot, start retching, dry heave, wash face, take Klonopin with full glass of water, along with Tylenol for cramps and cry-headache, pee, note dully that miscarriage is mysteriously arrested, go check on cat who is sleeping sweetly in her bed, too groggy even to mrrtle when touched gently, climb weakly back into bed which is getting a little musty from being lived in, watch next episode of Downton Abbey until Klonopin knocks you out again, repeat—